He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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