so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
