Are we in a gay sports bar?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
