I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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