I think I won the penis lottery.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
