woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
