Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
