Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
