Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
