He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
