Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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