i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
