We're like a lot better than the average bears
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
