Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
