the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
