I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
