Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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