I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
