1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize