i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
