Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
