nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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