dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
