I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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