I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This can only be settled by a dance off.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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