I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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