why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Randomize
