She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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