Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
