why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
