I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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