dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
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Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
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Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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