Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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