the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
