I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
