i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
