sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
