Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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