3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
