Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
