My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
