My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
