1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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