and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
