Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
