peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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