I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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