i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
this hospital has no fireball
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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