he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
