guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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