if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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