The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
