forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
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Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
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I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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