Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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