When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
