Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
